What a relevant topic it has been this year with the Victorian Education Minister James Merlino banning mobile phones in the playground during school hours in primary and secondary schools starting from 2020.  It has created much debate amongst teachers, parents and students and it is a great topic to raise with any child.  It has lead to newspaper articles, radio discussions and discussions at home and in the workplace.

How the iphone rewrote the teenage brain – ABC Radio

In a podcast on ABC 702 conversations with Richard Fidler back in April this year, David Gillepsie, (Social Researcher and Lawyer) was interviewed talking about the impact that games and social media on all digital platforms was having on the teenage brain.  He is specific in looking at the impact of software on the brain in puberty more than any other time in a person’s life discussing the outcome of increased addiction over a lifetime.  This he says is due to the specific reward pathways in a teenage brain due to puberty making them susceptible to the marketing industry.

David takes a look at how billions are made in the software industry at the expense of this age group where they intentionally target the addiction centers in the teenage brain knowing that it will hook them as their products are designed to be addictive.  As parents you will be familiar with what happens when it’s time for a child or adolescent to get off a computer when they are in the middle of a game, or creating an Instagram post or watching YouTube there is often tantrums, anger, aggression and defence and it is this behaviour that David says is a result of addiction.  He encourages you to look at any addict that is unable to have their fix and their symptoms will be similar.

David’s solution is to use computers for acquiring knowledge rather than for games. He takes the path of no games, social media, YouTube etc.  There is compelling research that backs up his concerns.

I think everyone will have their own ideas and levels as to whether they will take their teenagers off games at home, knowing that they will have access elsewhere, or create boundaries around their usage.  I think the most important thing is to be educated about what games and social media are doing inside the brain particularly during the teenage years where they are most susceptible to creating the grounds for addiction in the future.  Take time to listen to this podcast, or read David’s book, Teen Brain.  It gives you important information that you and your children can discuss and have really good conversations about.  To be informed is power and yes it really does make a difference.

I think the other reason also to take a listen is due to the raising levels of anxiety and depression that are now being experienced in the world today.  Psychiatric disorders are now being linked to addictive use of social media.  David Gillepsie talks about the rates of teenage pregnancy, cigarette, alcohol consumption, drug usage in 2007-2010 has now halved by 2019.  The research he stated was from large scale US databases over 40 years.  Anxiety and depression however are now on the rise and increasing, due to another stimulus that is powerful and easy to find and use – online games and social media.

An interesting article is The relationship between addictive use of social media and video games and symptoms of psychiatric disorders: A large-scale cross-sectional study (Article in Psychology of Addictive Behaviors · May 2016) If you have time take a read.

The relationship between addictive use of social media and video games and symptoms of psychiatric disorders: A large-scale cross-sectional study

Maybe it is worth reading the research, listening to podcasts and really developing a thought-out response to your child, adolescence or even to yourself on what levels of technology/software you feel good about engaging in.  What are your limits? boundaries? when do you know when it is time to come off a game, social media? or do you not engage in any software that can cause addictions? What are your thoughts on this?  Everyone is different, lets embrace our difference and just be educated on what the research is telling us.  Kids are retreating to their bedrooms,  it would be interesting to see if we can really learn more on this to help our kids and teenagers  with their mental health.

The Verbally Abusive Relationship is the title of the book that Patricia Evans wrote in 1992 and is now in its third edition published in 2010. This book has been in my shelf since early 2000 and has remained a book that I have constantly found the need to hand out to my clients. It is a book that I would recommend to every teenager as a must-read to really understand how the way we speak to each other matters.

Certain language can be used to control and manipulate leaving people feeling crazy and confused and self-blaming as a result. Patricia talks about two different paradigms that she calls Reality One and Reality Two.   Reality One being “Power over”, where there must be a Winner and Loser and Reality Two Being “Self Authority”, “Self-Power”, where there is a sense of working with another, mutuality and respect.

Reality One is a mindset where the person will dominate, win an argument in order to not feel vulnerable, to be in control, to be the winner, be on top whereas Reality two requires that a person have an unshakable sense of their own value.  People may want to operate from Reality Two however may not have learnt the wisdom that is required to understand their own value.  It may not have been experienced at home, at school, in the workplace or in relationships.

There is Wisdom in knowing what mindset a person is operating from and being able to act accordingly rather than defending, justifying or trying to convince another that what you said makes sense. If you feel like you are in a boxing ring, jumping around trying not to get hurt, feeling attacked, justifying, trying to be understood, but told, “you are too sensitive”, “it was only a joke”, “you are not thinking clearly”, “you are making a huge deal about nothing” then you are relating to someone from Reality One, who wants to dominate and be in control.

People who control are operating then from a “Power over” mindset and what is important is understanding the tools that people who want to dominate use. Rather than fighting someone using control tactics, like put downs disguised as jokes, withdrawal, sarcasm, countering etc … it is about understanding what tool(s) they are using.  Each tool is designed to keep the partner responding against a wall, one that will stop any form of intimacy.

Intimacy occurs when both people feel heard, respected and  are self responsible for any reactions they might be experiencing, Reality Two.  This leads to more closeness and growth for the couple.  It is important to remember that even though you might be interested in intimacy and connection, mutuality and respect, it doesn’t mean your partner is.  A Reality One person will not understand a Reality Two person.  Therefore rather than expecting them to do it your way it is important to see what your partner is actually doing.

Are they operating from Reality One or Reality Two.  This can be done by keeping a record of your interactions on a daily or weekly basis.   Look for cycles of closeness and hostility, which will often include, put downs, outburst, name calling, etc which leads to self blaming, being concerned about placating your partners mood and the hope when its over for the nice version of the person.  It is important to really get to know patterns.  It is easy to forget what can happen when a day has past and a nice experience occurs.

It is also really important to know that you are not able to change the person dominating if they do not want to change but rather to recognise what is happening to yourself, and to move away from what is harming you. To do this you need information and what I find is that this book provides great information about control dynamics in clear and easy to understand language. It explains power and how it can be misused, its effects, the language that is used when operating from control and how change is absolutely possible.

If this resonates with you, then it might be a great book to take a look at and it may also be the time to talk to a counsellor to understand why this relationship is in your life. You might be experiencing this style of connection with a Boss, in your marriage or relationship, with a friend, family, etc …. You might be finding that it might be represented in many areas in your life not just one. This then is a great opportunity to understand control and power and how you have learnt to relate to it.

What we see can change what we hear.

The McGurk Effect, which was seen on BBC Two – Horizon: is seeing Believing?  shows that what we see can change what we hear. That in order to maintain within our system a coherent world view sometimes our sense of vision can over-ride and take over. This brings up the interesting idea that what we hear may not always be the truth, that we are hearing with our eyes.  For instance if our mouth movements change, like in this example of FA FA FA and they are not connected to the sound which is BAA our brain over rides the auditory information.  Our brain, integrates visual and auditory cues and determines whether to over-ride the message it receives if there is conflicting information between the senses.

I think this is a fascinating phenomenon that even though may not work on everyone highlights how communication is influenced by what we see when we are receiving information through sound and that our senses are working together to create information that makes sense to our understanding of the world.  Give yourself time to take a look at the above clip, I found that it is a lot of  fun participating in the experiment.

After seeing this phenomenon it raised for me the idea of communication in general within relationships and the incredible job our senses do to provide information for us to interpret our environment and respond accordingly. However, because we are all so unique and experiencing different histories, we are impacted differently due to our individual interpretation of the situation. It is this individual interpretation of life events that influences our creation of reality.

We then start to see all the variations of responses that can occur due to the power of our subconscious and our belief patterns. Just like not all people are susceptible to the McGurk affect, we are all different in how we respond in relationships. .

Our visual experience will provide important information to assess more accurately the true message in communication.  Whilst this is different to the phenomenon in the McGurk affect we can appreciate that we all have so many filters that information needs to travel through that we really can see that miscommunication is easy to occur as individual realities can be very different.

It is then because of these moments of conflict that we are given rich ground from which to know ourselves and the world and to grow and change as a result. It might be interesting to just pay attention to how much information we get from our visual cues, which is shown in body language, facial expressions and how it can override the auditory if they are not congruent.  If your boss says great job but has their arms crossed with a frown, you are going to question the authenticity of what is being said.  Now notice it within your relationships and if it feels safe, share what you observe and be curious about the others experience as to the inconguency.

Being a social influencer is one way to impact change and the world around you. However, it is important to remember you are doing this every moment in your current life.

By being yourself, you influence the world and are influenced in return

Everyone is an Influencer, and everyone is important. 

Lets be curious about this concept that everyone is important and look at our understanding of Value?  How do we measure it and define it?  Maybe there are other ways?

Do you know that you are constantly influencing the world around you just from being who you are? Just like each piece in a clock makes the clock function, each one of us is needed as we all have different information creating life. You may not always enjoy your experiences/events and your relationships with people within those events; however you definitely have the opportunity to learn from them.

There is wisdom and value within each event/experience that you have in life. You are always assisting others to grow and others are assisting you. Maybe then, you are not a ranking on an invisible hierarchy, where you are judging yourself by what you do, where you have been, who you know; maybe the experiences and information you get from your everyday interactions is what is valuable?  It would then seem that you are filled with value and you are constantly creating more value because you are continually having experiences . Your value then would be your information, not how good you do something.  Your value would be the constant learnings you are having every second. That way you cannot get rid of your value, it is always being created.

That would mean that you can never be less than, or more than – less than or more than what? Your experiences are your experiences and they can never be rated as they contain individually based experiences direct from life. Have you noticed that your friend/colleague/etc.. may be going out with the same kind of partner over and over again, same style of relationship just a different person?  Why is that?  It would seem that life will keep giving you the same experiences over and over again until you have learnt the wisdom that is required to create another kind of reality.  Each person then is influencing/assisting others and being assisted back creating continual upgrades through this constant learning in life.

Have you noticed that when the person perceives their situation differently, aware for instance how they might be treated they learn to do things differently meeting someone more in aligned with their changes.  This initial learning then of repeating responses to situations and choosing the same thing over and over is valuable as the person then has a whole library of information learning about relationships.  They learn what occurs when you participate and influence the situation in a particular way.  They maybe learning about boundaries, respect, power, control, communication,  etc…. Choosing that style of partner was not good or bad, as it was what the person needed to explore, it is a learning that was necessary for them to develop.

You may have been taught that you are only valuable if……, if you do better at school, if you buy a house, if you create wealth, if you travel.  This is only a perception and one it seems a lot of us have ingested and taken to describe what value is.  No wonder we are going up and down each day according to this perception.  If you live through this lens you will always have to prove your worth against others. One minute you are better than, and the next you are not deserving and less than. How exhausting is that.  You can influence in ways that lead to exhaustion or by perceiving differently you can influence with more awareness and ease.

Value never goes up and down, that is only what you have been taught.   You can’t compare your value with anyone and rank it.  Your value is always increasing, your experiences are then invaluable, it is how you learn over time.

We are all learning differently. You don’t need then to prove your value, just by being here, being yourself influences the world.  You are needed in that exact moment when you played a part in your own development and others.  That Event was necessary for you both.  It provided essential information.  You contribute with your understanding and you receive information back. You are on a biofeedback system with the Universe. You get constant support in learning about yourself. You are all then influencers daily regardless of your social media status. I think this is so important to remember.

Bringing it back to counselling.

Counselling becomes a space to reflect on your current perceptions about yourself, others and life, to look at what is being created and what you want to be different.  To look at what maybe repeating over and over again and to challenge outdated perceptions in order to create something new. Life can then be lived from a new understanding, and a new reality is created that reflects the change.