What a relevant topic it has been this year with the Victorian Education Minister James Merlino banning mobile phones in the playground during school hours in primary and secondary schools starting from 2020.  It has created much debate amongst teachers, parents and students and it is a great topic to raise with any child.  It has lead to newspaper articles, radio discussions and discussions at home and in the workplace.

How the iphone rewrote the teenage brain – ABC Radio

In a podcast on ABC 702 conversations with Richard Fidler back in April this year, David Gillepsie, (Social Researcher and Lawyer) was interviewed talking about the impact that games and social media on all digital platforms was having on the teenage brain.  He is specific in looking at the impact of software on the brain in puberty more than any other time in a person’s life discussing the outcome of increased addiction over a lifetime.  This he says is due to the specific reward pathways in a teenage brain due to puberty making them susceptible to the marketing industry.

David takes a look at how billions are made in the software industry at the expense of this age group where they intentionally target the addiction centers in the teenage brain knowing that it will hook them as their products are designed to be addictive.  As parents you will be familiar with what happens when it’s time for a child or adolescent to get off a computer when they are in the middle of a game, or creating an Instagram post or watching YouTube there is often tantrums, anger, aggression and defence and it is this behaviour that David says is a result of addiction.  He encourages you to look at any addict that is unable to have their fix and their symptoms will be similar.

David’s solution is to use computers for acquiring knowledge rather than for games. He takes the path of no games, social media, YouTube etc.  There is compelling research that backs up his concerns.

I think everyone will have their own ideas and levels as to whether they will take their teenagers off games at home, knowing that they will have access elsewhere, or create boundaries around their usage.  I think the most important thing is to be educated about what games and social media are doing inside the brain particularly during the teenage years where they are most susceptible to creating the grounds for addiction in the future.  Take time to listen to this podcast, or read David’s book, Teen Brain.  It gives you important information that you and your children can discuss and have really good conversations about.  To be informed is power and yes it really does make a difference.

I think the other reason also to take a listen is due to the raising levels of anxiety and depression that are now being experienced in the world today.  Psychiatric disorders are now being linked to addictive use of social media.  David Gillepsie talks about the rates of teenage pregnancy, cigarette, alcohol consumption, drug usage in 2007-2010 has now halved by 2019.  The research he stated was from large scale US databases over 40 years.  Anxiety and depression however are now on the rise and increasing, due to another stimulus that is powerful and easy to find and use – online games and social media.

An interesting article is The relationship between addictive use of social media and video games and symptoms of psychiatric disorders: A large-scale cross-sectional study (Article in Psychology of Addictive Behaviors · May 2016) If you have time take a read.

The relationship between addictive use of social media and video games and symptoms of psychiatric disorders: A large-scale cross-sectional study

Maybe it is worth reading the research, listening to podcasts and really developing a thought-out response to your child, adolescence or even to yourself on what levels of technology/software you feel good about engaging in.  What are your limits? boundaries? when do you know when it is time to come off a game, social media? or do you not engage in any software that can cause addictions? What are your thoughts on this?  Everyone is different, lets embrace our difference and just be educated on what the research is telling us.  Kids are retreating to their bedrooms,  it would be interesting to see if we can really learn more on this to help our kids and teenagers  with their mental health.

The Verbally Abusive Relationship is the title of the book that Patricia Evans wrote in 1992 and is now in its third edition published in 2010. This book has been in my shelf since early 2000 and has remained a book that I have constantly found the need to hand out to my clients. It is a book that I would recommend to every teenager as a must-read to really understand how the way we speak to each other matters.

Certain language can be used to control and manipulate leaving people feeling crazy and confused and self-blaming as a result. Patricia talks about two different paradigms that she calls Reality One and Reality Two.   Reality One being “Power over”, where there must be a Winner and Loser and Reality Two Being “Self Authority”, “Self-Power”, where there is a sense of working with another, mutuality and respect.

Reality One is a mindset where the person will dominate, win an argument in order to not feel vulnerable, to be in control, to be the winner, be on top whereas Reality two requires that a person have an unshakable sense of their own value.  People may want to operate from Reality Two however may not have learnt the wisdom that is required to understand their own value.  It may not have been experienced at home, at school, in the workplace or in relationships.

There is Wisdom in knowing what mindset a person is operating from and being able to act accordingly rather than defending, justifying or trying to convince another that what you said makes sense. If you feel like you are in a boxing ring, jumping around trying not to get hurt, feeling attacked, justifying, trying to be understood, but told, “you are too sensitive”, “it was only a joke”, “you are not thinking clearly”, “you are making a huge deal about nothing” then you are relating to someone from Reality One, who wants to dominate and be in control.

People who control are operating then from a “Power over” mindset and what is important is understanding the tools that people who want to dominate use. Rather than fighting someone using control tactics, like put downs disguised as jokes, withdrawal, sarcasm, countering etc … it is about understanding what tool(s) they are using.  Each tool is designed to keep the partner responding against a wall, one that will stop any form of intimacy.

Intimacy occurs when both people feel heard, respected and  are self responsible for any reactions they might be experiencing, Reality Two.  This leads to more closeness and growth for the couple.  It is important to remember that even though you might be interested in intimacy and connection, mutuality and respect, it doesn’t mean your partner is.  A Reality One person will not understand a Reality Two person.  Therefore rather than expecting them to do it your way it is important to see what your partner is actually doing.

Are they operating from Reality One or Reality Two.  This can be done by keeping a record of your interactions on a daily or weekly basis.   Look for cycles of closeness and hostility, which will often include, put downs, outburst, name calling, etc which leads to self blaming, being concerned about placating your partners mood and the hope when its over for the nice version of the person.  It is important to really get to know patterns.  It is easy to forget what can happen when a day has past and a nice experience occurs.

It is also really important to know that you are not able to change the person dominating if they do not want to change but rather to recognise what is happening to yourself, and to move away from what is harming you. To do this you need information and what I find is that this book provides great information about control dynamics in clear and easy to understand language. It explains power and how it can be misused, its effects, the language that is used when operating from control and how change is absolutely possible.

If this resonates with you, then it might be a great book to take a look at and it may also be the time to talk to a counsellor to understand why this relationship is in your life. You might be experiencing this style of connection with a Boss, in your marriage or relationship, with a friend, family, etc …. You might be finding that it might be represented in many areas in your life not just one. This then is a great opportunity to understand control and power and how you have learnt to relate to it.

Fiona is authentic, powerfully and exceptionally skilled at her work. Her unique approach draws on her extensive knowledge of psychology, a deep understanding of working with the subconscious and the latest diagnostic software. I was skeptical about the software at first, but it’s been a really useful tool. It’s helped us identify areas of focus, monitor progress and provide a powerful reason for change.

Fiona knows the freedom and health that’s possible through transforming old, life limiting beliefs and perceptions and she’s tenaciously committed to assisting her clients experience this sense of freedom and health for themselves. It’s such a strengthening experience to have her support on my journey. My life is profoundly richer as a result

It is truly incredible to see the results that come from the technology, and then to experience the changes that begin to occur in my life just from the information that comes through in these results.

Fiona provides amazing support in both understanding and resolving my past and present issues, and helping me make positive changes and set up empowering new behaviours for my future self. My experience working with Fiona has ultimately changed my life.

I got in contact with Fiona for support after my marriage ended and it has been truly life changing. I’ve tried the computer technology and was surprised when the results linked to the areas of my life that still needed attention. The technology is a great way to cross check your health and wellness and get under the hard “shell” many of us have developed over the years.

I remember feeling so much relief after our first session. Finally, I felt like someone understood what I was going through. And better still, Fiona had the objectivity and skill to help me find my way out of it all.

My sessions with Fiona have become a regular part of my life. The nature of our discussions has changed over the years, but the dedicated time spent reflecting on aspects of my life, and the insight and clarity I get from my sessions with Fiona, is still invaluable. I can’t thank her enough for the impact she has had on myself and my family.

Thanks to Fiona, I now have an arsenal of motivational tools on how to regulate my emotions, and am learning to reframe emotions; my life is transforming in both workplace and personal relationships.